59 and getting loud on… the "Niners" Podcast

Recently, I sat down with my friend and fellow clown Tim Cunningham on his podcast, Niners. 

His podcast is built around a simple idea: conversations with people living on the cusp. The cusp of a decade or a century, on the cusp of bringing new life into the planet, and questions about hopes, dreams, regrets, and advice for other listeners. 

In my case, I am 59.

As I approach this cusp, I find myself thinking about the black men in my family who were not fortunate enough to live as long as I have, my brother and my father, who passed away way too early. My brother, in his early 30s, passed away from complications with AIDS, and my father from a heart attack when he was 51. It's strange to think that I am almost a decade older than my father ever was. 

Of course, I have my own set of health issues. However, they don't interfere with my life that much. I still enjoy my usual work routine, which includes performing, taking long walks in the neighborhood, practicing regular yoga, and as much music as I can fit into my schedule. 

Recently, I had my piano tuned. I've had it for about 15 years, and I haven't maintained a regular tuning routine. After it was tuned, it sounded better. I've been playing more because it's a better experience to play a piano that's in tune. It just sounds good. 

My piano has a "soft" pedal. A pedal that subtly mutes the strings of the piano so that it's not as loud as it could be. The pedal on the piano lowers a strip of felt between the strings and the hammers that strike the strings. The felt between the strings and the hammer softens the sound as the piano is played. In the past, I enjoyed this "muted" piano sound, so I always set the pedal down, creating a softer sound.  

However, after I had the piano tuned, I started to play with the soft pedal off. With the pedal up, it allows the piano to play in its full voice, making a much louder sound. Now, when I play my piano, I am reminded of the importance of keeping myself in tune physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It's a lesson in self-care that I've learned from my piano.

I am much better when I am not muted, when I am in my full voice.

Approaching sixty, I find myself focusing on trying to squeeze (pun intended) as much life as I can out of the time I have remaining. More importantly, getting older has made me a better clown - more forgiving and patient. Experience has shown me more about what does not matter in a performance and in life. Now it's about using my full voice more effectively.

While in my late 50s, I began to get more comfortable with the idea of being 60. Since interviewing with Tim in September, I have turned 60. 

I am grateful for the life I have, my family, my wife, and my daughter, who love me, and for the community that I've been a part of for many years.

 I recommend listening to Niners (link here). Or better yet, sit down with a friend who's been in the trenches with you. Talk about the years that shaped you, the ones that broke you, and the moments that still make you giggle. Getting older isn't about losing relevance; it's about refining resonance.

Tim Cunningham also wrote an excellent essay about clowning, which was published in The Washington Post. You can find it here.